OAP,s at the VFest Weston park Staffordshire 2013: Old men at V Fest 2013

This is a blog from the view of two "older " than usual V festival attendees and is a warts and all overview.
Caution-may contain swear words .

"IF A FESTIVAL IS ON YOUR BUCKET LIST ...TAKE THE BUCKET"

My name is Paul Hooper and I was fortunate enough to win two VIP weekend passes for this years V Festival .This would take place on the weekend of 17/18th August 2013 .
I was expecting my wife to attend this event with me , however she had read something about "pyramids of poo " in the hideous portable loos (I thought they were an indie band) and had decided to pass on the opportunity to one of my friends .
So ,at 05:15 on Saturday 17th August , myself age 51 and a certain Mr David Arnold age 46 set off on our festival adventure .I had been advised by my teenage daughter that "I would be the oldest person there "and really had no place in the sacred teenage world that V Fest had become .
My packing consisted of a throw in the air tent (no bag ,it was tied up but fighting to explode out of it's tethers ) pair of pants , socks ,1 new can of Lynx Attract (these days I tend to repel so I guessed it would at least make me neutral :)), a basic sleeping bag , pirates hat , mullet wig , wash kit ,loo roll , wet wipes and the clothes I stood up in .
I was a veteran of 2 Glastonbury festivals ffs , 1981 and 83 .What could be so different ?
The drive to Staffordshire was easy .We arrived at about 07:00 and as if to announce our rock n roll credentials to all the security and parking marshals Radio 2 obliged with an anthem suited to our mood "remember your a Womble " blaring out .I dropped the window and cranked up the volume .We had arrived .I felt like Alan Partridge ...a complete wanker :) .
Well we did have a laugh over the Womble arrival .After parking up in what seemed like a sea of vehicles in a damp field ,we took time to sort the small amount of kit we had , bum bag with phone , camera , wallet etc , then a variety of carrier bags , bin liners and 1 barrel bag containing our life for the weekend .

First walk of the morning took us to the sniffer dog security entrance .Tickets checked ,bags sniffed at and a quick sniff of our bodies and the dog stepped back as if he'd never smelt the floral baby powder that I'd blasted down my pants :) .That's male grooming for you ! :)
Then followed a longer walk requiring several direction requests from clueless marshals."Yeah dahn there mate " , "er dunno where ya go wiv them tickets...try the main ticket desk " .
We did get to the main desk by 08:00 , to be told , "Gates open at 9 mate ".
It started raining .I protested that we had VIP tickets , I was expecting to be whisked in on the back of a golf car ,waving to the plebs , taken to a large marquee and given lashings of free beer and a foot massage whilst lying next to other VIP,s like Beyonce or Danny from the Script.Not left in the rain for an hour in my £1:20 PVC poncho .We were a bit disappointed .

ME IN THE £1-20 PONCHO.

We sheltered from the rain under one of the grand trees .More people were arriving and the tree was filling up ! We decided ,under cover of poncho ,to head for Gate 2 . This had been identified as the entrance of choice for VIP,s hmm ?It was about a couple of kilometres away , although no more than 300 metres through the inaccessible arena."Sorry mate don't open till 11" .We had begun to trudge now rather than the nonchalant stroll of a genuine VIP.It was 08:40 .We had been here for an hour and forty mins and had got nowhere .

Arrival at gate 2 was another disappointment."Nah mate those are guest tickets ..you need to go to the main ticket desk " aaarrrrgh ffs , I decided to ring the representative of the company who had awarded me this VIP status .Ten minutes later I received a text with instructions on how to get our wrist bands ,which would then allow us to pitch the throw in the air tent .The tent was still threatening to pitch itself as if in protest .

I read the text aloud as other "VIP,s " had arrived."Head to the production gate and camp in the grey campsite..".Both of these were at the polar opposite of where I was stood ,wet ,and cold and losing the will to live .We trudged out like refugees .I was grateful that we had packed light as two girls walking with us looked like they were on an Himalayan adventure. Back past the main ticket gate and on up the hill 30 minutes of walking approx 5k ! Finally we arrive at the production gate.Unbelievably the steward looked at our tickets (the Himalayan girls hadn't even arrived yet) and said just 3 words "gate 2 mate ". I could have killed him and my normally reserved friend Mr Arnold gave him both barrels ."You must be joking" it was time for a supervisor . She arrived and reiterated that gate 2 ,( the freekin gate we had just walked from was indeed our entrance ,however to calm things down allowed us access to pitch our tent .

This was another 20 minutes uphill to the top of Weston park , even if I'd had binoculars I couldn't see as far as gate freekin 2 !

The only upshot of this major hoof was that the campsite resembled a country parkland rather than a Crimean field hospital .I summise from this that the feckless youth of today are just too lazy .

With the tent free of it tethers, and us free of our load , we celebrated with a couple of cheap strong ciders.I was an Aldi VIP ! It was 10:10 am we had been here over 3 hours .

We ambled back down hill buoyed by cheap cider and the fact that the rain had stopped ,however I needed a pee .But not at the first rack of portable loos ,Sebastopol had awoken and queues had formed for the joy of crapping in a plastic box that had already been crapped in by a thousand others , most likely with no loo roll .This wasn't for me ,I was going to endure the 5 k walk and afford myself the luxury of pissing in a porcelain VIP portaloo .

After passing the main gate for the third time !and with a further 2k to go until we reach Nirvana ..or gate 2 and those luxury bogs.I was suffering , beginning to wish my pint of coffee and 2 cans of cider had not been drunk .All the loos were busy ,I was going to PMS ,and no L ,I thought that the best thing to do was to grab a coffee cup off the floor and tuck it discreetly into my shorts . This would allow me to retain my carefully chosen festival attire in top order and more to the point stop me from being thrown out for pissing up the hoarding !

Disaster struck ..... Flood gates opened ...ahhhhhhh......errrrrr. Euuuuuww , I missed the cup and quite literally 2 pints of piss was down the front of my shorts , I removed the cup , it was easy as it was still empty !!, turned to dave and said " I realise this isn't a good look for the VIP area ..but your stuck with me ".

OMG PMS AND L:)

He couldn't stop laughing and very nearly PHSL actually. I covered my embarrassment with the poncho :) and I christened the poncho "the urine shroud" then checked into VIPeee .

So to sum up ...I had been on the Weston Park site for 4 hours and so far had managed to walk approx 15 kilometres in boots that i only ever wear for dog walking ,and piss myself , dave had so far managed to keep his dignity apart from the tirade at the Marshall /steward .

Ahh well we were finally in , a small cosseted VIP section of the huge bowl that forms Weston park V festival site .I went to the loos ,even though I obviously had no need .I just wanted to check how clean they were .

Then went to the VIP bar ,with disco no less and ordered 2 pints of carling ...only £9.00 !!! , it was at this point we made the decision that we would stay mostly sober for the weekend :/.

The weather was dry ,shorts were still wet though but the noise coming from the arena suggested that sound checks were taking place .We drifted out of the VIP area into the pleb zone and headed for the main stage to see our first band ...those famous rock icons The Saturdays :) .We had to have a look sadly they were minus the lovely Frankie who is pregnant ,however Molly looked nice :).

I spent some time wandering around the crowd ,a mix of mainly identically dressed teenage girls ,all in very tight shorts ,coloured Hunter wellies or similar ,crop top & flower garland in hair .I wondered if one of the high st stores was selling a full festival dress kit .The rest of the crowd consisted of a mix of slightly older "lads"many heavily tattooed , and mostly drinking pints of the £4:50 pint lager , a handful of fancy dressers , and lots of Liverpudlians .

Here are a few pics of some of the er hmm "characters " that we met ,good ,bad and ugly !

First lot were calling themselves the Jackson 15

JACKSON 15

Then these two just seemed to epitomise the festival look ;)

ZIPPY ,BUNGLE AND FRIENDS

LOL

There will be some more of these later .

Next for us was pop rockers "Scouting For Girls" , quite entertaining , then a late lunch back in VIP.

Rest of our day was spent in the company of Olly Murs , Jason Mraz , Emile Sande , The fantastic Stereophonics , and the Kings of Leon , I had now slipped into using the often heard "cool"abbreviations of the bands,such as "can't wait to see the Kings" or the "phonics man ..epic" :).

VIP ENTRANCE

And so the long wander to the tent past stinking toilets to the quiet far away "grey campsite" ended our first V fest day , a day where the weird met the normal met the old met the young but reflecting on the experience .....we loved it .

Almost forgot to add on our way back to the camp I was chatting to a small group of drunk welsh girls about the days music , one of them noticed my VIP wristband and was asking how we got them, I entered bullshit mode immediately but all I could think of was that we were part of the Lucy Spraggan band .Me the guitarist and Dave was the drummer .This was a safe if not cowardly guise , as Lucy Spraggan had played today possibly to a small crowd and her band would be anonymous ...anyway not only did they believe my lies ,but insisted on pictures lol.

Day 2

I led awake ..farting loudly .I was at peace with the world , I had slept well , I could hear Dave outside chatting with ladies . He was apologising for my farting hahaha and I think even a rapid burst of Lynx Attract wasnt going to impress these ladies lol .I popped my head out and said" hi "to our tent neighbours ,four ladies in their mid 20,s from Westbury.we chatted about the festival ,the music and the stinking loos , I tried to slip in a few cool band abbreviations .."the kings were great " :) it seems they had arrived late morning .They had enough stuff to fill a house and god knows how they hauled it all the way up to the "top camp".

GREY CAMPSITE

Plans for the day were discussed .It included a total pack up of the tent which we decide to hoof back to the van in order to leave us free to flee after Beyonce . We poached a look at the girls band schedule .We were too tight to buy one but actually claimed that we had lost ours !! we just had a photocopy of the band list and no timings or stage places , we decided that we would try to get to see Gabrielle Aplin, Two Door Cinema Club ,James , Deacon blue, Jessie J , the Script and to be honest a quick look at Beyonce .Personally I hate all she stands for ,plastic ,over processed ,computerised music , give me a guitar band every time .The weather had improved as we strolled down the hill .The heat however had had a very undesirable effect on the toilets .The stench was unbearable and that was from a hundred meters away .As we got nearer it actually made our eyes water, yet some folk camp within metres of them ..euuww .The queue for the filthy loos was huge .

Q4LOOS

Tent was deposited in the van , along with something else ....just glad I had a bucket :)) .

As we arrived back at the main entrance we decided to sit and watch some of the colourful characters that inhabit festivals , man in mannquini ,lots of lovely looking young girls , lots of menacing blokes , and the festival pastors,volunteers from churches ,they were doling out water maybe even holy water . We took some and engaged the lad in conversation it seems he was a trainee vicar and a festival veteran .Dave ended up discussing the merits of renewable energy in historic buildings , I pointed out girls with big tits :) .

THE FESTIVAL PASTOR

This time our entry to the sacred arena was far easier .We followed in behind some very dodgy lad from the North West of England who had thrown a bag of whatever over the hoarding. he cleared security , and proceeded to dismantle a barrier to collect the swag .Judging by the constant smell of marijuana it's a fair chance that the bag contained some of that ...I wondered whether the sniffer dogs were in fact just security guards pets in a coat labelled sniffer dog !!

We were dressed in the same dirty clothes as yesterday , but more Lynx Attract and a gargle of mouthwash ,I felt ready to face day 2.

The arena area was clean of all rubbish ,which was astonishing as last night it looked like a hurricane had blown through !! We arrived at the VIP area and those lovely clean loos :) , some more chill out time before the joining the steady procession across to the main stage .

First up today were the Fratellis , wow , what a treat, powerful band we loved them .Then a trot over to the arena stage to see the very talented Gabrielle Aplin , it was packed and she seems genuinely surprised at at the numbers and ended up taking pic of the crowd :)

Next a break and a stroll back to the VIP area .we drifted past the stage door and I spotted an attractive young lady with an access all areas badge .I asked her if she was in a band , turns out she was the daughter of the drummer of JAMES ....we had a picture:) .This was as near as we got to a real VIP all weekend .

We enjoyed an hour sitting in deck chairs , I snoozed , it's hard work all this fun

CHILLIN

Lunch was a massive pizza , then back out to the music and next up for us on the main stage was JAMES .We did catch the end of Deacon blue , some young girl asked who they were "never heard of em " she said :/.

JAMES hit the stage like a bomb and this continued for the whole set . Tim Booth defied all the health and safety rules and jumped down to the crowd

TIM BOOTH #JAMES

, then jumped into the crowd !! .It was a powerful gig

very enjoyable ..we could see the drummers daughter watching from stage left :) .

Now I'm not ashamed to admit it I was knackered from all the walking and standing still , we retired for a break to allow Paloma Faith to do her stuff , we were back in VIP ....chillin again and having a nice cup of tea:) .Next up was Two Door cinema Club , I knew little of them .Dave seemed to know a lot about a lot of bands , apparently Mrs Arnold likes Radio 1 .

As we sat in the VIP area , we noticed a rather dour looking couple ,two older ladies sat in quiet conversation , we christened them "the ramblers " it looked as though they had stumbled upon this hedonistic gathering whilst walking OffasDyke .I took a surreptitious picture ....but the flash went off , they just glared at me :)pic is a bit blurred .

THE RAMBLERS

After a nice cup of tea (very rock n roll us) it was back into the main stage for Two Door Cinema Club .., the lead singer looked like one of the Jedward lads with his big hair and blazer with contrasting lapels.The music was ok ,but for me lacked a pair of balls .It was pop pap..OK but I'm not downloading the album .

We decided to hang around for the next act , and our tent neighbours spotted us and called us over , we stayed with them until the end of Jessie J ,s set .

TENT NEIGHBOURS .

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE MONEY ..MONEY ..MONEY .£££

next up was the superstar Jessie J , not someone on my must see list actually , however I have to admit she was brilliant ,vocally and visually ;) , I like the fact that she actually had musicians ,good ones too (great bass guitarist) ,she charged round the stage like a whirlwind and the crowd went mad

JESSIE J.

Sadly lots of drunks were in the crowd , throwing drinks and plastic bottles . A large group of very drunk Welshmen just urinated into the crowd , disgusting as there were children around for Jessie J these were the flag waving welsh seen at the stereophonics set .They should be ashamed .I have to add that although most of the crowd seemed to be into the music ,a proportion of them seemed hellbent on causing problems for others .This as such a shame as it made the atmosphere quite menacing at times .Most of the young girls seem to be more interested in what they look like than the music , sad part is in their quest for festival individuality most of them end up looking almost identical to the next one ..hey ho.

THE SCRIPT

The script exploded onto the stage , Danny challenging Mark Sheehan (guitar) to beat him "chugging" a bottle of lager , I think it was close :).

Playing all the singles and the songs that I didn't even know they sang .they were fast and furious it was great , also the arrival of Labrinth made the crowd scream more .I had no idea who he was but guessed he was popular :) .It was at his point a youngish girl was tying to get someone to lift her shoulder high so she could take pictures .I was aware that girls on shoulders attract cups of piss as people get furious at the view being blocked .So I volunteered Dave. He protested ....a bit , then did the honourable thing and lifted her up , thankfully no piss cups rained down on us .

THAT GIRL .

For us the V Fest 2013 was drawing to a close ,as next up was Yankee RnB icon Beyonce .I find it hard to hide my distaste for this sort of crap music RnB to me would be Muddy Waters ,Rolling Stones etc not pop drivel ,Beyonce is no doubt talented , and beautiful but not for me .We eased our way to the back of the huge crowd to be ready for a hasty exit .

HUGE CROWD PIC .

Beyonce was late , 10 mins. Then 20 , then 30 minutes , the crowd was becoming restless , attempts at slow hand claps , booing etc then with a blast of fireworks and sound she hit the stage ...and sang one of the most boring songs I had ever heard ...the crowd fell almost silent ...I seized the moment At the top of my voice I shouted "WHAT A LOAD OF SHITE" ....We turned and walked out , our festival was done , we survived , better than that ,we thrived ,we danced , we'd sung our hearts out ,and laughed like kids ....who said we were too old !!

Will I be back next year ? Im still thinking about that :)

HERE ARE A FEW MORE CHARACTERS

SPICE BOYS